When fear and panic kick into overdrive

I mentioned before that I have been having trouble breathing and bordering on panic attacks again. I have been having nightmares since she died and we lost her forever. I have been awakened numerous times with the fear of my dreams feeling so real. So real that I bolt out of bed to check on my children to make sure they are still breathing. To see or feel their chests rise and fall in that place of peaceful sleep.

I keep having nightmares of losing each one of our precious children. It has been happening nightly for a week now. I awake in a panic, not able to suck in enough breath, and my heart beating faster than I can count (a few times to the point of my chest hurting). Two times even needing to throw up from the fear and the pain, even the relief.

Last night Bairno fell off my bed. Head first. While I know he is little (20 months) he is still big enough to get down himself. He is quite good at turning around and sliding off on his tummy, feet first. I put him down on my bed to get him in his pajamas and when I turned around to open his dresser drawer, he leaned over to see his book that fell off the bed. His top heavy self just flipped right off. This was a first. When he stands next to my bed he is at least a foot taller than my bed, but that didn’t make for an easier head first crash to the floor. I did not know he was falling, but the timing of my turning back around from his dresser left me staring at a slow motion scene: my baby falling head first to the ground and then, because of the narrow space between the bed and dresser, his body twisting and contorting in a way I was horrified to witness. At first I was not sure whether I should let him get up or not.
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I found myself counting again last night. We were just sitting down to dinner, getting the younger ones situated in their seats, about to say the blessing when it hit me. It caught me off guard, too. I have talked before about the counting. This time it was different. Yes, someone was missing, but not with the anticipation of what was to come. It was a feeling of frantic loss. It was almost an “out of body experience.” I forced myself, my body, to continue through the motions of what we usually do at dinner (blessing, serve, pass the food, etc.) but it was like my soul was frantically looking around.

I could almost feel my soul leave my body and search for what who was not with us. I could see myself running through the house frantically trying to find the Missing. Running in and out of every room screaming at the top of my lungs but no sound was coming out. Reaching out desperately for what I could not grasp. Wanting my arms to be wrapped tightly around what I could not reach, but aching with a weight so great I could not raise me arms to reach out. Nothing was in order. Nothing was where it was supposed to be.

Have you ever watched a child use a new box of crayons and be so incredibly picky about putting each one back in the exact same place it was when it was taken out? Have you ever seen a child so intent with the new crayons that each one not only had to be put back in the exact spot is was taken from, but all the crayons had to be turned the same way so they were lined up just right? I have, that was me. If my crayons were not lined up just right then I just knew that something terrible was going to happen, but if I could just keep things around me in order, then my life would be OK too.
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Literally. I can hear the thunder in the distance. It matches my mood today. That does not have to be a bad thing either. Rain is good. Rain cleanses the earth. Rain makes the grass grow. Rain is free. Rain is fresh and natural. Rain. Rain is good for the earth like, tears for the soul.

The storm is still very much alive, but is calming, slowly. I think. Although I have an apprehension that this is just the eye passing over. And the storm is always worse on the other side of the eye. I am not setting myself up for something worse to come. I just feel calmly numb today. I am trying to stay busy because if I stop and think I’ll get all teary and mopey again. We had planned to start school Monday. I had a business meeting scheduled for this morning that I needed to reschedule for early Monday morning. I can get up early and go to the meeting and get back while the papa gets the morning running with the children so that when I get home they will be just about ready to start.

This morning I was awakened by some more cramping and bleeding. A small concern. I began to wonder what was going on with my body and fear was creeping in that maybe there was infection on the way. I think, now that the day has moved on, that is not the case. A little after lunch I did pass some more clots, a tiny bit, but it was obvious. I think my body was just doing what it was supposed to do – get rid of it. The cramping almost stopped immediately. That was good.
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I am so tired of crying. I know it is still fresh. I know I am supposed to be sad. I can not imagine that anyone wants to read the description of the images in my head of what I keep seeing and feeling. It is not pretty. I believe the baby was a girl. I find myself not knowing how to reference that life, so brief. Then I get angry again. I think I am not angry anymore until I find myself stumbling for words and I feel so utterly ridiculous about it all. The knowledge in my head and my heart are ringing true to give me what little strength I find I have but it’s clashing with the emotional.

I feel physically weak for being angry. I feel spiritually weak for being angry. I don’t want to admit that either. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m angry. I am on the verge of a foot stomping, door slamming, high pitched screaming, temper tantrum. I guarantee you my tantrums are not pretty. We’re not supposed to ask why, right? But I find myself chasing away those questions all the time.

Why give us a child that You are only going to take away? Why put us through all this pain and suffering? What do You want me to learn? Is this it? Will there be no more for us? Will this hole always be here? Will I always remember? Will I forget? What did I do wrong? It is not mine to question.

Yet I do.

So let’s pretend you didn’t read that part. Let’s just fast forward.
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As of this afternoon I am officially no longer pregnant. I awoke this morning at 3:00 having some cramping pains about every thirty minutes. Just as I would begin to drift back off to sleep I would be jostled awake by yet another cramp. This went on for most of the day. I tried to function past it, not focusing on the pain, but what all I needed to do today. Around 11:30 Flynt (4yo) and I went to the grocery store for the week’s groceries ($313.27, thankyouverymuch – and that was all store brand stuff). Flynt is so much fun to take places by himself; I just love having conversations with him alone – for a four year old his vocabulary just blows me away and the child can read although I’ve never really taken that much time to teach him the specifics. I knew having him with me would be just right to keep my mind off of my pain (both physical and emotional).

It’s not exactly fun going grocery shopping in the rain, you know loading all those bags in the car with a rain storm on your head. We got home just after 1:00 and unloaded the car. I put away most of the cold items then headed to bed because standing upright was becoming a bit of a challenge from the pain. It wasn’t much longer before the inevitable began to happen. I’ll spare you the details. I must admit that I am very much tempted to write out every detail – I do not want to forget.
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