Reconciliation, Restoration, and Prudence

Please read this post first.

The end goal of forgiveness is reconciliation and restoration. Reconciliation is always possible. Always. Restoration is situational. Quite often the two are lumped together. Stay with me; hear me out.

Healing and Bitterness

What happens when the offended does not forgive, holds on for revenge. Remember forgiveness is taking the hurt on yourself, not heaping it back onto the offender.

Let’s go back to that wound in the arm example I used. So someone stabs me in the arm. I now have a gaping, bloody wound. What do I do? I put pressure on it to stop the bleeding. If it is really bad I may have to use a tourniquet to prevent too much blood loss. Tourniquets are meant to be used short term. What happens if I leave the tourniquet on for too long? I risk losing my arm. If I cut off the blood supply with a tourniquet to my arm so the bleeding will stop I cut off the blood supply to more than just the wound. My whole arm will begin to atrophy, die, and rot. I risk losing my arm completely.

The immediate need to grab the wound, put pressure on it, and, in some cases, use a tourniquet to stop the bleeding is necessary. But there is more to the healing process than just stopping the bleeding. We have to remove the tourniquet to properly bandage the wound and let the healing process begin. Let go so the process can complete. This is the hardest part. This is usually when the realization of the pain is the greatest. The healing can not begin until we let go. By letting go so the healing can begin we are choosing to stand with our arms straight out and accept the pain. The blood must flow for the healing to begin. Isn’t it the blood that carries the healing power to the wound? The white blood cells attack the infection and the red blood cells begin to clot and close the wound. Let go. Let the blood flow. Let the healing begin!

“Forgive as God in Christ forgave you.”

If the offended does not forgive the inevitable will happen, the heart and soul will become bitter and decay.

Sometimes the only grace that can be given is forgiveness. The act of forgiveness is the gift of grace (hang on, we’re getting there). The act of choosing to forgive, to keep the pain to myself, to let go, and to move on. Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation. Forgiveness is not accepting the blame. For a victim of a crime or circumstance, forgiveness is accepting the hurt, finding peace by letting go of resentment and grudges and bitterness.

Ephesians 4:31-32
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Without forgiveness you can not be reconciled to your brother or to God.

Reconciliation and Restoration

In this fallen world, forgiveness, mercy, and grace are not perfect. Forgiveness, mercy, and grace are steps toward reconciliation. God asks us (in Matthew 5:24) to be reconciled unto our brother. The word reconciliation means to change or exchange until they are equal. Think of your bank statement. When your bank statement does not reconcile then there is an error somewhere that must be found and fixed. There is no reconciliation until what is wrong is made correct, until what is broken is repaired, until there is equality on both sides. Once they are equal there is reconciliation.

This inequality that prevents reconciliation in relationships can be caused by many things, more often than not, it’s the one offended, not the offender. So much of the world around us is full of the idea of revenge. Often it’s right there staring us in the face, but many times it’s subtle, hidden in the plot of the book or the TV show or the movie. “If I get revenge, I’ll feel better and be able to move on.” WRONG!!! DINGDINGDINGDING! WRONG!!

It is not our place to seek revenge. It is our place to forgive.

Ephesians 4:31-32
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

When the offender realizes his wrong-doing and asks forgiveness it is your job to forgive. When the offender asks forgiveness and the offender forgives there is equality and reconciliation has taken place. You are now reconciled to your brother and to God by your obedience to forgive. Once there is reconciliation this should, in most cases, lead to a restored relationship.

When the offender does not seek forgiveness, when the offender is no longer around to ask forgiveness it makes it harder to let go because there will never be reconciliation with your brother as long as there is inequality. This is when obedience to God’s command to “forgive as God in Christ forgave you” becomes highly proactive. When you learn to forgive the offender even if he does not ask for it, seek it, or even want it your obedience has reconciled you to God.

This works the other way as well. What happens when you are the one who did the offending thing and the one you hurt will not forgive you? If you have apologized and sought forgiveness with your brother and with God and your brother will not forgive you then being reconciled to God you have what you can do. Pray for your brother to forgive you; accept that God has forgiven you.

Prudence

There are times when Prudence must be consulted. Wisdom seeks to help discern between good and evil, the spiritual realm. Prudence seeks to aid discernment with our relationships among men and earthly things. Prudence understands that no matter how great the forgiveness among men that there are times when we would be foolish to trust again. Forgiveness and trust different things. If a woman has been raped and she forgives her rapist (yes, it’s possible) does this mean she has to trust him and be willing to allow him into her life again on a relational basis? Uhm, NO! That would not be Prudent! Same with the abused and the abuser, the murdered victim’s family (or anyone else) and the murderer.

Prudence is the mother of Common Sense. There are those who do not know her or her child, but being prudent in a situation does not mean we have not forgiven. It is at these times that being reconciled to God with our obedience is all we have. In these situations forgiveness becomes the gift of grace and it is all we can do. Our gift does not have to be accepted to become legitimate. The rejection of our forgiveness by the offender does not affect our reconciliation with God if we are obedient to him.

“Forgive as God in Christ forgave you.”